Struggles

On Tuesday, I have an appointment with my surgeon and my physical therapist–simultaneously. They will examine the surgical incision and determine whether or not I’m ready for the next step in my recovery and what that will look like. I’m excited about this because my therapist has been very positive about how I’m coming along and feels certain that my recovery from next Tuesday forward will be a lot easier than anticipated pre-surgery.

The last two weeks have been tough, but not impossible. Two things have been major struggles for me.

First, I’m an independent woman. I don’t like having to ask for everything. I like to be able to do what I need and want to do. I mean, that’s true for most of us, I suppose, but it’s really true for me. The first 24 hours after surgery, I couldn’t even get up from the bed without Jason there to steady me (thanks to the shaky, dizzy effect of the painkiller!). As time has gone on, I’ve become more mobile, but there are still limitations. I’m grateful to Jason, my mom and Jonas for running all of my errands, bringing me every random thing I needed or wanted, and keeping me entertained. And all of this doesn’t even account for all of the things I’ve asked others to do for me at the church.

But through this all, I’ve learned that my husband is incredibly kind, caring, and loving to me (I mean, I always suspected….;) ), that some people like to help me as much as I like to help them, and that when you’re down sometimes you don’t have a choice and you may as well take advantage of it all.

Second, I’ve struggled with feeling useless. I don’t like to be useless–in fact in most situations I’m trying a little too hard to be useful. Not only can I not get my own sandwiches and glasses of ice water, but I can’t (with any efficiency) let Sam in and out, I can’t help with much of the housework (I’ve basically folded towels and cleaned the bathroom), I can’t cook meals, I can’t help get Jonas ready for school in the mornings, I can’t run errands and do my usual grocery shopping. These are things I complain about regularly when I can do them, but now that I can’t–I realize how much I needed to do them. This is still a struggle for me, although in the past week, I’ve spent many moments finding things that I can do–send emails, make phone calls, work on upcoming studies and schedules (mostly works stuff, actually).

All in all, I’m anxious to get back to normal. I don’t think I appreciated “normal” before, but I do now.