On the back deck tonight:

Me: Sometimes I think that even if I actually lose the weight I’m working to lose, my knees will be really big.

Jason: Uh-huh.

Me: And my wrists. I think I legitimately have really big wrists.

Jason: Uh-huh.

Me: I’m going more for voluptuous, not skinny, anyway.

Jason: Hike on the trail with me for a couple of weeks. I’ll make you a lean, mean machine. (Note: he said this carefully because it’s a bad idea for a man to suggest that his wife needs to become a “lean, mean machine” even in the middle of a conversation where the wife in question is suggesting herself that she is, in fact, not a “lean, mean machine.” He’s learned some good lessons along the way of being married to me.)

Me: Hm.

Jason: Your body will burn calories like never before. You eat a backpackers diet, hike 10 hours a day…

Me: Hm. I don’t like tuna.

Jason: You can eat peanut butter instead. And all the little candy bars you want.

Me: Hm. I can’t believe I’m even seriously considering this. I don’t really like all that nature.

Jason: You hiked at Audubon yesterday. That was nature. It wasn’t so bad.

Me: I saw a hole in the ground and I was pretty a sure a snake was going to jump out and get me.”

Jason: Snakes don’t jump out of holes. Besides, the only time you really have to worry about snakes biting you when you’re camping is if you’re gathering firewood and you get in the snake’s business.

Me: See, I would never be the one gathering firewood. If I ever go on one of these trips, I’ll have a pretty big contract. There will be lots of things that I will not do.

Jason: Don’t worry. I’ll do all the work. I’ll even be the one carrying the tent.

Me: Speaking of sharing a tent–you should know that you will stay in your sleeping bag and I will stay in mine and there will be no [kissing].

Jason: That’s fine. Besides, once you’re four days without a shower…

Me: And that’s where you lost me. Never mind. I nearly forgot about the not showering part.

Jason: If we go when the water’s warm enough, you can get in the lake.

Me: Nope. I’m not bathing in a lake.

Jason: I skinny dipped in a glacier on the AT.

Me: That’s nice. Nope. Not me.

Jason: You swam in the Hodge’s Lake.

Me: And then I came home and took a shower. This has been a nice conversation. I’ll just keep hitting the gym.

Jason: You’ll go some day.

Me: Nope.

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