A few weeks ago my phone rang and it was one of our local reporters requesting some information about Facebook because someone told him that I was the one to talk to about Facebook.
I don’t know whether that’s because someone thinks I spend too much time on Facebook or because someone has noticed a certain savvy regarding such things or whatever, but as your fake Facebook expert, I’d like to share what I feel are some common sense tips and tricks to having a Facebook account.
1. Much loved friends, it’s better to post about where you’ve been than to post about where you are going. For the love of Pete, I worry that someone’s headed to your house right now to pillage and vandalize your property as I read about the wonderful, 12 day vacation you are taking out of the country and posting pictures to prove it.
2. Stop airing your dirty laundry via your status updates. Stop telling me that your husband is a jerk, your kids are pathetic or how much you hate your mother. If you wouldn’t announce it to a room full of friends, family members, former classmates and near strangers, don’t post it. And if you are the type of person who *would* announce it to the above room, don’t post it on FB because it makes me uncomfortable.
3. When someone posts what is obviously a quote or song lyric, please Google before asking where they got that cool quote.
4. When someone posts something you’re not sure about, Google it first to see if perhaps it is a song lyric or quote. As someone with a lot of friends who post a lot of song lyrics, I know that often disturbing revelations are actually just the lyrics to a good (possibly disturbing) song.
5. Don’t take yourself too seriously on FB. Don’t take me too seriously on FB. FB is supposed to be fun.
6. The endless “like” groups? “Stopping the microwave before it hits 0:00 to avoid hearing the beeps;” “Saying ‘food’ when someone asks you what you want to eat.” “I check behind the shower curtain for murderers before I go to the bathroom.” Every time you click “like,” a kitten dies. Know what I “like?” NOT killing kittens!
7. I don’t understand FB apps and games. I will never be a fake expert on FB apps and games, but I know a lot of people who are in case you need help with that.
8. Ask a friend to take your profile picture for you. Try regular smiling.
9. If you are friends with younger people on FB, such as perhaps your children, your children’s friends or students in your class/group, please try to avoid over-posting comments on their updates or writing on their walls. (I mostly threw this one in in case Mom ever joins FB, but it’s good advice).
10. Stop tagging ugly pictures of me. When I remove the tag, don’t send me a message wanting to know why I removed the tag. I removed it because it is ugly and I have a vanity problem. Also, please see #4 and don’t take it personally.
Fellow fake Facebook experts: What did I forget?